Does Your Thai Lady Really Wants You?
You’ve been dating an incredible, sexy Western woman for weeks or even months. You like the same restaurants…cheer the same football team…even groove to the same music. She helps you work on your car, laughs at your jokes (even the ones she’s heard over and over again), and happily goes along with any change of plans you might suggest. You’re so close, you even finish each other’s sentences… You’ve met her family and they think you’re a good guy. Heck, even her dad likes you!
Friday night dates are a given…whether you’re going out for dinner, taking in a baseball game, or catching the latest movie. And the sex? It rocks. You’ve finally found her – that funny, smart, gorgeous, capable assertive woman who lights up your life…Your relationship is hot…passionate…and fun! You can hardly believe it…she likes you!
You picture what a lifetime would be like with this woman…and you like what you see. When you’re out in public, meeting new people or socializing with your friends, you put your arm around her shoulders, give her a little squeeze, and proudly introduce her as your “girlfriend.” But something isn’t quite right. You can’t quite put your finger on it. Until it finally dawns on you. She never introduces you to HER friends as her “boyfriend or her “partner.” You start noticing that whenever you’re with her friends or coworkers – even total strangers – she introduces her as her “friend.”
So you screw up your courage. You wait for just the “right” moment. Your heart races, your palms sweat, you can hardly breathe as you leap into space and finally squeeze out those “three little words:” I love you. And you are giddy, waiting for the response you just know she’ll give you…The silence stretches…getting more uncomfortable by the heartbeat. And finally, just when you think the earth really WILL swallow you whole, she responds: “You’re a good friend…I really do like being with you…but I’m not sure I see the future the same way you do.”
It’s the kiss of death in your relationship with any Western woman.
When a Western woman describes you as her “friend,” it’s the kiss of death to any hope of a hot, passionate relationship!
If it’s happened to you, I’m so sorry. If it hasn’t, don’t worry – it will. But take heart, brave man. When you’re dating a Thai woman it doesn’t mean the same thing. NOT AT ALL. In fact, when a Thai woman introduces you as her “friend,” congratulate yourself. You’ve made the cut. You’re “in like Flynn.” Let me tell you why.
1. First, a reminder about dating customs in Thailand
Thailand has a very old, very conservative culture. What that means is that the ritual of relationships is much less casual than you may be used to — more formal and much more complex.
Where you came from, the way you were raised, it’s perfectly normal and acceptable for people to date casually — to have many boyfriends or girlfriends – even sexual partners – before settling down. Your culture doesn’t see anything wrong with anyone, men or women, changing relationships as often as some people change their socks. But it doesn’t work that way in Thailand.
See, in Thailand, it’s normal, natural, and acceptable that men will date lots of women, and “good” women will have very little experience dating men. (Kind of makes you wonder exactly WHO the Thai men are dating, doesn’t it!) If she’s alone with a man…particularly a foreign man like you…people of her culture are likely to assume she’s a loose woman of easy character (a “worn out” girl in her language). And that kind of reputation can not only damage her and her social standing, it can cause her family to “lose face,” having raised such a disrespectful daughter.
Typically, if you’re going to date an honest, respectable Thai woman, you’ll be introduced to her by someone she knows and trusts. If she’s interested in you, it will usually be communicated to you through that trusted friend or relative, in a much more subtle way than you’re used to.
If she’s interested in you, you’ll probably spend weeks getting to know her in social settings, among people she likes and trusts. You’ll go out for meals, walks in the park, or informal gatherings of friends, in public places. Her gentle insistence on “dates” like this is designed to protect her reputation as a modest, respectable, well-brought-up lady.
Far from being just an act, her modesty and shyness are real and deeply ingrained. No matter how attracted to her you are, no matter how attracted she is to you, no matter how much you seem to “click” together, her upbringing and culture will demand a slow, patient approach punctuated by layers and layers of subtlety.
Once she’s comfortable with you, her group of “social buffers” will get smaller and smaller, and eventually, if you haven’t embarrassed yourself (or god forbid embarrassed her!), you’ll find yourself alone together. And even though you’re finally alone together, she might still keep an element of modest “distance.” She may be uncomfortable holding hands with you in public, let alone being kissed where others can see. It’s not uncommon for some women to even insist that their dates walk a few paces apart from them!
You might feel she’s playing you…being coy…stringing you along…but believe me, it’s all driven by deep cultural programming for her to be seen as chaste and modest. You might think that her distance means she’s not interested in you – and give up too soon!
If you’re patient and kind, and your relationship blossoms to the point where she introduces you to people who are important to her (like her parents or her family) you might be shocked to hear her refer to you as her “friend,” thinking she is downplaying the seriousness of your relationship, or diminishing your role in her life. Or worse, signaling that “kiss of death.”
2. Calling you her “Friend” doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it does.
It is a way for her to save face and protect her reputation. Remember from our articles on culture the whole notion of “context?” Western cultures tend to be low context and Eastern cultures tend to be high context. You communicate directly, choosing the words to convey your meaning, and you talk to understand – explaining and justifying until the other person gets what you mean. To you, the words matter. When a Western woman introduces you as “her friend,” you take meaning from that word, and understand that the relationship isn’t serious.
And your Thai lady communicates indirectly, letting the circumstances drive the meaning and relying less on words, trusting that the people around them “get it” without the necessity of too much talking. When she says you are “her friend,” that word is more ambiguous than in the West. There are layers and layers of subtle meaning. Her modesty prevents her from being too direct with her words. In her heart, she feels close to you. The relationship is important to her. And she will communicate that in a modest, indirect way because she’s been trained to conceal her true feelings in order to make sure everyone around her is comfortable.
You see in Thailand, “friend” (“pheuuan”) has many shades of meaning. It could mean pal, chum, buddy – or it could mean boyfriend or lover or husband! How will you know which it is? As you get to know your Thai lady and your relationship deepens, you might want to train yourself to be more aware of the subtlety of Thai culture and behavior. If she says the word with a soft, understated edge, looking through lowered eyelashes, it’s that charming Thai modesty. If you’re really confused about it, go ahead and ask her what she means.
Trust me, if she’s introducing you as “a friend” to her parents or her boss or anyone else who she considers important, it’s NOT the kiss of death! You’re already more than “just a friend.” You’re “in like Flynn.” If she wasn’t ready to make a serious commitment, and pretty sure that you were too, she’d never introduce you in the first place!
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Send us a message and we will chat. We are always glad to help you find relationship you’ve always wanted.
