Let’s Find Out How You’ll Discover “Doing” vs. “Being” Cultural Difference
1. In your relationships with a Thai woman, you will no doubt become frustrated or confused by the difference in focus between your “doing” and her “being.” Sometimes it might feel like you’ve run full speed into a brick wall – you want or need something done, and you need it done now – and her Thai reaction will be relaxed, slow, and maybe even circular in trying to help you get your needs met. And sometimes it might seem that the more you push, the slower things get!
2. If you spend any time at all with your Thai lady’s friends or family, you’ll no doubt notice that they spend a lot of time discussing what to do together, but deferring or avoiding making any decision about it. That might frustrate a typical, action-oriented Western guy like you who is used to making a decision, following a plan, and sticking to the schedule. For us, that discussion and deference/avoidance dance is part of the “now” and we enjoy it just as much as we’d enjoy going wherever it is we end up. To your Thai lady and her friends or family, the dance is the way they demonstrate their joy in being together.
3. When you try to schedule or organize help from the cable company, the electric company, or the phone company, you’ll be just one of the many delightful events occurring in that particular professional’s day. Today at 4:00 pm might mean today… or it could mean next Wednesday…or even next month. It doesn’t mean they won’t get to your problem, it’s just that in the shifting kaleidoscope of their day your task is continually re-prioritized according to what’s happening “right now. “The service person will smile politely and promise you the moon – after all, you are an honored customer – and if he can’t deliver what he’s promised he’ll be oh so sorry, then he’ll make you anothe promise and have you leave his shop happy. Whether you get your services or repairs as promised has nothing to do with your sense of urgency, your negotiating skills, or the other person’s feeling you are not important.
What to do when “Doing” and “Being” Collide
In spite of your frustration, it’s important to relax – it’s not personal. Doing and Being are just different ways of looking at and reacting to the world. If you can be willing to slow down and give more thoughtful consideration to the end result you’re looking for than to the way it gets done, you might be surprised at the decrease in your heart rate and your sense of stress. That slowing down and thoughtful consideration might not be typical of your culture, and it might be hard for you to learn. But if you can remind yourself to practice, over time you might find yourself taking a much more leisurely (and healthier!) approach to life. If you are in a relationship with a Thai lady, the most important skill to develop is patience, as you struggle to get things done and she struggles to make you happy the only way she knows how – by being present with you. You may need to show her why doing a particular thing a particular way is important to you; or explain to her the reasons you bring work home or need to schedule leisure time with her in advance. If you can be calm, kind, and patient, over time she may find herself empowered to take action in situations she never would have before.
“Doing” vs. “Being” — a Summary Chart
| Western Cultures are about Doing | The Thai Culture is about Being |
| “Not doing anything” means you are lazy and a bad person | “Not doing anything” does not necessarily mean you aren’t contributing or are somehow a bad person |
| You believe that you can change anything if you just “do” enough | We believe that things are the way they are, and they will stay that way until they’re not |
| You believe that doing things (activity) enhances your sense of Self | We believe that inactivity (contemplation, meditation, etc.) enhances our sense of Self |
| You believe that life should be planned, organized, fast-paced and | We believe that life should be leisurely and contemplative, taking |
| productive | each moment as it comes |
| You hold that work is an end in itself, it’s good for you and it gives your life meaning | We hold work is a means to an end, no better or worse than not working |
| Your culture holds work time and leisure time as separate – work is for work, and play is for play | The Thai culture holds no distinction between work and leisure – and we believe they can coexist |
| Your culture believes that you should always be doing something to improve how work gets done | The Thai culture believes that the end product is more important than how it gets produced |
| The procedures of activity are important and should be formalized | The ideal of the activity is important |
| Your culture believes that Man is above the physical world — and it is subject to his will. | Thais believe that Man is only part of the physical world – and cannot be separated from it |
Adapted from: G. Hofstede, Culture’s Consequences. International Differences in Work-Related Values. 1980. Sage Publications and G.Hofstede, Cultures and Organisations: Software of the Mind, 1991, McGraw-Hill.
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