Here’s How You Should Understand About the “Achievement” vs. “Nurturance” With Your Thai Lady
| In Your Western, More “Masculine” Culture… | In Her Thai, More “Feminine” Culture… |
| In Western cultures, the purpose of life is to work | In the Thai culture, the purpose of work is to live |
| Your culture values material success and progress | Her culture values caring for others and the preservation of the group |
| Men are supposed to be ambitious, tough and assertive, and talking about your accomplishments is expected in your culture | Everyone is supposed to be modest, and they tend to avoid “boasting” and keep their achievements quiet in her culture |
| Women are supposed to be tender and to take care of relationships | Both men and women are allowed to be tender and concerned with relationships |
| Girls cry, and shouldn’t fight – even if attacked; boys don’t cry, and are expected to fight back when attacked | Both boys and girls are allowed to cry and neither should fight |
| Your culture sympathizes with and supports the strong | Her culture sympathizes with and helps the weak |
| In your culture, failing in school is a disaster | In her culture, failing in school is a minor accident |
| Boys and girls study different | Boys and girls study the same |
| subjects and play different sports | subjects and play the same sports |
| Managers are expected to be assertive and decisive | Managers are expected to use intuition and strive for consensus |
| In a Western workplace, the stress is on equity, competition among colleagues, and performance | In a Thai workplace, the stress is on equality, solidarity, and quality of work life |
| Your culture believes that conflicts are best resolved by fighting them out | Her culture believes that conflicts are best avoided – but if they arise, are best resolved by compromise and negotiation |
| In your culture, arguments are conducted openly, verbally, and sometimes loudly until one side “wins” | In her culture, arguments are suppressed until a solution that is best for the group emerges on its own |
| Your culture believes that a “performance” society is ideal | Her culture believes that a “welfare” society is ideal |
| “Women’s liberation” means women should have equal access to work that has been available traditionally only to men | “Women’s liberation” means that both men and women should contribute equally at home and at work |
| Everyone is expected to express their opinion and stand up for themselves | Everyone is expected to suppress their opinion for the good of the group |
| Maintenance of economic growth
should have highest priority |
Preservation of the environment
should have highest priority |
| Your culture believes that government should spend a relatively large proportion of its budget on weapons and the military | Her culture believes that government should spend a relatively small proportion of its budget on weapons and the military |
| Dominant religions in your culture stress the masculinity of God | The dominant religion in her culture stresses the complementarity of the sexes |
Adapted from: G. Hofstede, Culture’s Consequences.
How you’ll Discover this “Masculinity” vs. “Femininity” Cultural Difference
1. You will quickly discover that your Thai partner will not openly argue with you or compete with you in conversation – and sometimes she won’t even venture an opinion. She truly thinks that doing so will create disharmony, and she’ll either sacrifice her own needs to keep your relationship in balance, or she’ll offer “passive resistance” instead of openly disagreeing with you.
You’ll ask her, for example, what she would like to do this weekend and she’ll demure and say “I don’t know,” “Whatever you want to do,” or “You decide.” She’ll never tell you she hates football, or that she would rather spend a quiet day in the park than hanging out while you and your friends drink beer and debate politics. Many Western guys are enchanted by this behavior at first – then mystified – then frustrated because they “can’t figure out what the heck she wants.”
2. She will expect you to be as concerned about her wellbeing and the balance in your relationship as she is. After all, in her culture, both men and women participate more equally in such matters and make sure that all of their relationships are harmonious.
What to do When “Achievement” and “Nurturance” Collide
As a friend of mine once told me, “When my husband is acting hard, I find it best to react by being soft.” In other words, in your relationship with your Thai lady, you might have to be extra aware of when you are being too “hard” in your approach to life, because you can count on her to react by being too “soft.” You may never know she has a problem with your behavior or your decisions unless you are willing to reassure her that it’s okay for her to openly express her opinions, wishes and needs – that you won’t get angry if she does.
The whole “masculine-feminine” thing is more about working together to find the perfect balance in your relationship than it is about who’s right and who’s wrong, or turning yourself into some kind of “girly man” to adapt to her feminine cultural approach. If you find that balance, your relationship is bound to be deep, profound, and a source of quiet joy to you both.
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