Important Things on How To Give, Keep And Lose A Face– Thai Culture
As a Westerner, you’re used to speaking your mind, giving your opinions, arguing your point of view directly, and expressing yourself openly as an individual. You trust that if what you say or do offends the other person, it’s “every man for himself” — that the other person will confront the issue, speak up assertively, argue back, or defend himself just as openly. Your behavior shows your culture’s individual, masculine, content-oriented focus.
As Thais, we’re used to suppressing our feelings, keeping our opinions and points of view to ourselves, and expressing ourselves indirectly. We trust that what we say or do does not offend the other person, and if it does, we are horrified. The other person will not tell us directly that they are offended, but we will sense it from his or her behavior. We avoid confrontation and take a more indirect approach. After all, actions speak louder than words. Our culture has a we-oriented, feminine, context-oriented focus.
Our drive is to maintain balance and harmony. Recognizing that some people have more power than others and demonstrating through our words and actions that we respect their place in the hierarchy is the way we maintain that balance. And that gives rise to the whole idea of “face.” It’s a subtle and delicate issue– but something all of us Thais know by instinct. It’s a hard concept to define for a Westerner so he can really understand it. As a matter of fact, many scholars throughout history have claimed it’s literally untranslatable. But let me give it a try. You can think of “face” as a person’s sense of self-worth. It’s similar to their reputation, image, prestige, or dignity. It’s the respectability a person can claim from others based on his or her position in the group. The idea of “face” has everything to do with the person’s feelings of value, because as a “we” society our most important value is belonging and fitting in. And we don’t want to jeopardize our belonging by doing anything that harms anyone else in the group.
In addition to reinforcing the “we” nature of our society, the concept of “face” reinforces the power hierarchy we Thais hold so dear. We “know” that not everyone is equal, and our every action is designed to respect and reinforce the hierarchy and people’s positions in it. After all, that’s the way we maintain balance and harmony. So we control our inner feelings, suppress our opinions, and surrender to our place in the hierarchy.
The best way to define “face” may be to give you a few examples to help you understand. When you are with your Thai lady and her friends, they will spend a lot of time negotiating and deciding where to go for the evening, with nobody volunteering a concrete suggestion or making a decision. People will suggest many alternatives indirectly: “The new restaurant on the river has a nice view – and the trees in the park are in blossom” is about as direct as typical Thai would ever be. Someone else would “argue” or “counter” that indirect suggestion by saying something like, “Yes…and the new hotel also has a very lovely bar with live music.” A conversation like this can go on for quite awhile…and often eat up the whole evening. The group of friends considers each person as an equal. It would be very rude for one person to assume he or she has any right to assert an opinion or make the decision. If he or she did, they would lose the respect of the group (who would think, “Who does hethink he is, telling us what to do!”)
Here’s another example. If you are visiting a Thai home and make a comment about the food you are served, like, “I’ve never liked shrimp – they make me break out in a sweat.” In your culture, that comment would not be an issue.
Your Thai host, however, would interpret your remark as a personal criticism, no matter how innocently you meant it. Your host would “lose face” for offending you by offering something you cannot eat. And if the home in question belongs to your Thai girlfriend’s parents, SHE would lose face by bringing you – the one who caused her parents such an embarrassing loss of face.
If you are in a long-term relationship or marriage with a Thai woman, and you ask her to do something, she’ll say “yes,” whether she understands what you want her to do or not. Why? It’s not her being deceptive. It’s her protecting your dignity and authority (your “face”) by not asking you questions about what she perceives to be your command. If she doesn’t understand what you’ve asked, she dare not say so, because you might think she’s criticizing the way you gave instructions. She’ll do her best to try to figure out what you meant on her own, and when she doesn’t produce the result you wanted, she’ll make the fault her own – to help you save face. We go out of our way to express consideration for another person, not wanting to causethem trouble, or hurt their feelings. And because we are contextual in the way we communicate, nobody ever has to say a word about it. Saving face, or allowing others to save face, means we do not criticize people openly. We find indirect, non-verbal ways to soften what we perceive as a negative message. If you criticize her friends, her family, her work, or her home – particularly in public – you cause your Thai lady friend to lose face. Even if you criticize her ideas or her opinions, she will assume that means you are criticizing her personally, and will feel a humiliating loss of face.
A friend of mine, married to an American, visited her husband’s sister in the U.S. to welcome her brother and his Thai wife, the sister bought some Thai food mixes from the grocery store, and prepared what she thought was a real Thai meal. It was horrible – the curry was bland, the noodles nothing but a pile of glue, and the salad tasteless. But rather than complain about it and cause her new husband and his sister to lose face, my friend thanked her American sister-in-law for being so thoughtful and kind, and offered to teach her a favorite recipe for Panang curry the next night. My friend took her sister-in-law to the local Asian grocery, pointed out the right herbs and spices, and helped her buy the ingredients. Not only that, my friend gave her sister-in-law a huge, full-color Thai cookbook as a thank-you gift at the end of their visit.All to avoid complaining directly about a horrible meal and causing her new husband and his older sister to lose face!
So how do you work your way back into someone’s good graces if you’ve caused them to lose face?
First and foremost, you cannot do it directly and assertively, especially in public! You must do it subtly, non-verbally, indirectly. Offering a deep wai and a heartfelt apology (in private) would be a good start. We Thais are a tolerant and forgiving people – especially because we know you are a Westerner and aren’t accustomed to our ways. If you follow up your apology with a gift to make amends, so much the better. If you’ve caused a person to lose face in public, quietly and ceremoniously offering a gift in public might be the best way to make fix your mistake.
Here’s the best advice I can offer you as you navigate your way through this delicate and subtle idea of “face.” Be sensitive to your surroundings. Be aware of the relationships in the background of your interactions with people. And keep your sense of humor.
After all, we will probably forgive you for any mistakes you might make.
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