How This Cultural Difference Can Affect Your Relationship with a Thai lady?
Western View:
The “Individual” is the basis of a strong society
Westerners never even think about individualism. It’s a given. It’s assumed. It’s never questioned or even talked about. After all, you were raised by your parents to become independent: to stand on your own two feet and to make it on your own. Nothing is as sacred as being true to yourself. Nothing is more desirable than being your own man and never unwillingly having to submit to another. This cultural view colors everything you think, and everything you do.
Your parents are proud of you when you move away from home and make it on your own. As a matter of fact, Western culture associates shame and scorns any adult (particularly a man) who continues to live at home with his parents. And as a parent, a Westerner does not want his children continuing to live at home once they’ve become adults.
Western parents consider it natural to love their children unconditionally. No sacrifice is too great, if it gives them a start in life. The goal is to move them out of the nest and have them flying high by themselves — the higher, the better. Parents expect nothing in return. After all, that’s just the way it is. It’s so natural that Western parents are very uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassed or humiliated, if they need help from their adult children.
Thai View:
The family (or group) is the basis for a strong society
A Thai never questions her duty to her family. It’s a given. It’s assumed. It’s never questioned or even talked about. After all, she was raised by her family to become dutiful: to participate in her family and look for ways to contribute to their success. Nothing is as sacred as family: being a kind, loving daughter who puts her own needs aside to willingly submit to the needs of the family. This cultural view shapes everything she thinks, and everything she does.
Her parents are proud of her for staying at home well into adulthood, to continue helping them. As a matter of fact, Thai culture shames and scorns any adult who moves away from her parents and demands to “make it on her own.” It is normal for adult children to continue living with their parents. And as a parent, a Thai trains her children that there’s no need to make it by yourself. It’s much better to find your place in the family group.
For a Thai it is natural to love her parents unconditionally. No sacrifice is too much, if it makes their lives better. The goal is to show respect and gratitude and strengthen the family unit. The stronger the better. Nothing is expected from the parents in return. After all, that’s just the way it is. It’s so natural that Thai children are uncomfortable, even embarrassed or humiliated, if they need help from their parents.
Your Thai partner is going to express her respect, gratitude and indebtedness to her parents and family for the rest of her life. With or without you, as long as she has breath in her body, she will send money and do favors for them.
In your relationship, it’s only a matter of time before your time, energy, and resources are involved in her drive. If you’re a typical Western man, getting involved like that, sending money and resources home to people you consider to be doing just fine, will rub you the wrong way. You’ll start to suspect a con. You’ll wonder when this is going to stop. She’ll wonder how you can be so heartless and disrespectful. She can’t imagine not sending money, gifts and favors home – just like you can’t imagine not giving a child all you can to give him a fair start in life.
Without cultural insight, each of you will judge the other as wrong, mean, bad, or silly. You need to be willing to openly discuss this difference in goals.
When she can understand that you’re not cold, heartless, mean or ungrateful – you just find it “different” to keep supporting her parents and family — there will be room for compromise. But she needs to understand your Western thinking — just like you need to get a glimpse into her Thai thinking. And that requires conversation.
Unless, of course, you ARE being conned.
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