Understanding her Thai Culture “We” vs Your Western Culture “Me”
As early on your first date, perhaps. You might ask her, in a gentlemanly attempt to express grace and generosity and good manners, “Where would you like to go for dinner?” That simple question shows your own cultural bias – that simple question comes from YOUR values — that you value her opinion as an individual.
When she giggles shyly, looks down, and says nothing, you’ll probably be mystified, unaware that it is her cultural bias to defer to the wishes of the group or more “powerful” individual – in this case, you.
1. If you become assertive about your own opinion to her, or in front of her friends or family. You could be in a social situation with her friends or her family, and say something as simple as “I think these dried shrimp are horrible, terrible, no-good nasty things! How on earth can you people eat them like popcorn?” in what to you is a normal, confident, manly tone of voice. That’s YOUR cultural bias – to express your opinion, stand firm on it, and defend it against all comers.When she (and the other people) laugh, change the subject, or ignore you, you’ll probably be mystified. It’s HER cultural bias to avoid conflict in any form, and from that bias it’s good manners to keep your opinion to yourself, or avoid the confrontation entirely by simply eating something else to maintain harmony within the group.
2. When (not if!) her relatives ask you “personal” questions. You might feel like it’s horribly rude when her mother or her aunt ask you bluntly “How much money do youmake?” You’ll feel “violated,” – maybe even get visibly uncomfortable. That’s YOUR cultural bias – it’s private, and you have an absolute right to your privacy. When she (or her relatives) press you for what you consider to be “private” information about yourself, that’s HER cultural bias – as part of the group, there is truly no such thing as privacy!
3. If she asks you for money for gifts or help for her family. This is where Thai women earn a really bad “rap” – Westerners simply don’t understand the deep cultural difference at work here. It’s YOUR culture to assume that others, particularly older family members, can take care of themselves. Not only that, you consider it “rude” or worry that she’s taking advantage of you when she asks.
4. When she asks you directly for money, or tells you that her father is sick or her mother could use a new stove or her uncle needs to replace his motorbike, it’s HER culture to assume that you will help them – cheerfully and willingly! After all, you’re now part of her “group” and that’s what people do!
5. When you want some quiet time alone with yourself. You, as a Western man, may need to take some time to pursue your own hobby, your own interests, or just sit and watch a football game or boxing match on TV. It’s YOUR cultural bias to assume that everyone needs to spend some time alone. It keeps you sane, balanced, and healthy.
When she “invades your man-cave,” chattering away while you’re trying to adjust the carburetor or interrupts your TV time to ask if you want to eat, it’s HER cultural bias to assume you need company. After all, you need to be with the group to be sane, balanced and healthy.
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