If Internet Chat is the Setup The Visit is the “Sting”
Our friend Evan turned up at Bangkok airport with a fistful of photos that he had downloaded from all his internet chat sessions with Thai women. He intended – and arranged himself – to meet each one in person. My husband and I could have helped him meet some attractive, respectable women, but he was convinced he knew what he was doing.
The first woman Evan wanted to meet was Jane. He fell in love with her photo on an internet dating site, and when he phoned her, she suggested they meet her in a motel room in a remote country location– alone. That suggestion set off all sorts of alarms in my husband and me, so we insisted on going with him.
After all, what respectable Thai lady would not want to meet his friends or family? What Thai lady wouldn’t bring her own friends along for a first meeting?
When we arrived at the dingy, cheap motel Jane had suggested, it was clearly the type of place you’d rent by the hour. Evan called Jane to let her know he had arrived, and she instructed him to take a shower and wait for her inside, where she would join him within 15 minutes.
In that phone call, Evan noticed that her voice was not that of the sweet, attractive person he had been chatting with for months – it sounded much older. Evan was devastated, uncomfortable, and anxious to leave immediately. We talked him into staying so we could see it through to the end.
We watched from nearby as a 40-ish woman arrived at the motel and headed for the room. She soon worked out that we were Evan’s entourage and things were not going to be as easy as she imagined. After a short, angry exchange, she was back in her car and gone, clearly irritated at the loss of her time, revenue, and opportunity.
A Painful Lesson, but a Tragedy Avoided
Evan was moody and subdued during the ride back to Bangkok. He realized he had fantasized over a photo of someone who didn’t really exist – or at least wasn’t the person he had been talking to all that time. He felt completely stupid. He also realized that things might have turned out much worse if he had simply gone alone in good faith to meet Jane. He could have been drugged, raped or robbed. Some unscrupulous Thai women are known to rub a particular narcotic oil over themselves and encourage their target man to lick it off – knocking him out when he does. When he wakes up, he’ll find himself alone and his passport, money, credit cards and jewelry will be gone!
More cautious, and armed with his internet chat list, Evan wasn’t ready to give up. He arranged to meet the second Thai lady on his list.
Case Study: Evan’s 2nd Lesson
Evan had been chatting with Pia for a few months. She looked very nice in her photo. Her English was good. She had a good job at one of the big telecommunication companies. Evan had shared with her that he was looking for a partner in life, just as she was. She suggested they meet for coffee, and then perhaps have dinner with her parents, which was reassuring to Evan. Evan is well- travelled and professionally successful, and thought he might enjoy the chance to meet her parents and explore the conversational and cultural challenges it would present.
After his first experience, Evan really didn’t want to have us hold his hand — he wanted to redeem himself. But we cautioned that wanting him to meet her parents right away indicated that Pia seemed a bit too serious too soon for the state of the relationship, in this case meeting for the first time after nothing more than online chat.
When we checked in with him, Evan told us the meeting over coffee went well. Pia’s sister was there with her. They were very friendly, but he didn’t experience any real spark toward Pia. Her spoken English was not as good as her written English, and they had difficulty understanding one another.
Although he didn’t feel much chemistry with Pia, he felt a commitment to following through and meeting her parents because of his honesty and sense of integrity. Over dinner, he openly shared his hope of finding a real relationship — maybe even a wife — and that he’d be meeting a few other ladies during his short time in Thailand. He was just being himself, and thought nothing of being so straightforward.
But he began to notice an increasing iciness in the conversation. While Pia’s mother and sister continued to smile, her eyes welled up with tears and her father’s face looked like thunder.
When we called Evan at to check on his progress, he signaled his need to be rescued!
An Honest Lack of Cultural Understanding Can Cause Unintended Pain
It’s a pity that Evan’s second lesson had to be a crash course in Thai culture that needlessly caused heartache for Pia and her family. Evan didn’t really understand that his idea of looking for a wife was not what Pia understood. Evan had told her he was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with. He told her he was coming to see her and she made herself available. He had flown all this way and agreed to meet her parents. In her mind, things were well underway. In her mind, they had been making plans. He was funny, caring, and romantic. He asked all the right questions. In her mind, he was actively courting her. After all, many marriages in Thailand begin on less. What was he possibly thinking, if he wasn’t serious about taking the next step?
She had no idea what “no spark” means. In her mind, chemistry, love and feeling grow over time. The commitment and decision to be together are what matters most. It hurt to realize that things were not as she imagined with Evan but that upset was dwarfed by the sense of shame she felt she had created for her parents. She had invited this man into their home, and announced to everyone that he was the “one”. In her mind, he was. He had done enough to convince her that his intentions were real.
Meeting people on the internet is new to a Thai girl who doesn’t work in a bar, and Evan’s lack of cultural understanding was the source of this problem.
Case Study: Evan’s 3rd Lesson
Sai was a third candidate on Evan’s list, but he hadn’t told her he was coming to Thailand. Compared to his first two choices, he hadn’t considered her a strong contender. She was older that the women in the other photos, but fit, attractive, and closer to Evan’s age. Since things hadn’t worked out well for his first two choices, he decided to give her a call and arrange to meet.
She suggested meeting at a riverfront restaurant, and Evan encouraged us to come along, after confirming that she wouldn’t be inviting her parents. Sai and three of her friends met us at the restaurant. Evan was puzzled because even though she sat next to him, she seemed more interested in talking with her friends – people she sees everyday – than she was in getting to know him better. Noticing Evan’s irritation at the lack of attention from her, I asked Sai (in Thai) what she thought of him. Her reaction was telling…she said he wasn’t bad, but she was working very hard to make sure her friends thought he was wonderful. But Evan didn’t have a clue what was going on. She completely ignored him, and when Evan tried to embrace her and offer her a kiss goodnight, she turned away and gave Evan a face full of hair.
In the taxi headed home, while Evan complained about the waste of time the night had been, Sai called and asked to meet him again the next day. Completely confused, Evan told her he had a great night, wished her pleasant dreams, and committed to calling her the next day to make some plans. Evan saw Sai a few more times, and she wasted a fair bit of his time, money and effort before it became clear that she never had any intention of developing a relationship with him. Her association with him gave her a nice boost in social status, because she was able to.
The Bottom Line
Evan’s stories are typical of the traps and pitfalls of travelling to Thailand alone to meet women you’ve met online.
His experiences show how easy it is to…
• Get sucked in by dating websites used by many bar girls to make connections with western men.
• Set yourself up for robbery, rape, or worse.
• Suffer embarrassment due to a lack of understanding of the Thai culture.
If we had connected Evan with any of our friends, we’d know exactly what her intentions were, whether she was genuine in seeking a serious relationship, and whether she’d be right for Evan.
We could have helped Evan save time, money and effort – not to mention discomfort and confusion.
We could have helped educate him about Thai culture before he ever made a single, ill-advised phone call.
And maybe, just maybe, we could have helped him find “Ms. Right!”
We are a matchmaking company that has built an internationally respected reputation for providing the highest quality dating services for Western guys seeking a long-term, committed relationship with a Thai woman as well as Visa Assistance.
We also host Dating Events where you can meet single, lovely and trustworthy Thai ladies who are looking for genuine relationship.
Interested to know what we do? Send us a message and we will be happy to chat.
