How Western and Thai Culture Communicate so Differently–“Content vs. Context”
Meet Mark…
Mark, an executive in his mid-40s, began dating again two years after a brutal divorce. He tried the club scene in his native Atlanta, but found the women there too young, too immature, and too self-absorbed for his liking. He met fit, attractive women his own age in his local athletic club, and spent some pleasant evenings going out for a bite to eat after a workout. He dated a few women he met through his professional network, and gradually developed a relationship with someone special.
His company sent him on a business trip to Asia, and he was intrigued by the experience and the people he met in Hong Kong, Kuala Lumpur, Tokyo, and especially in Bangkok. The lush landscapes, beautiful beaches, impressive art and history, and the contrast of ancient culture with modern architecture touched something in his soul.
He met Jen, a lovely Thai woman in her 30s, during one of his business calls and invited her to lunch. He found her exotic, charming, intelligent and funny– and saw her a few more times during his short visit. They exchanged email addresses, and when he returned to Atlanta, they kept up a lively correspondence that ultimately turned into online chat and the occasional phone call.
He enjoyed her friendship – that’s what he considered it – and when his business took him back to Thailand, he called to see if she would accompany him on a three-day visit to Chang Mai in the North and act as his guide and interpreter. He was amused by her insistence that he meet her parents and ask their permission for her to go on the trip, finding it “quaint” and “old fashioned.” When he arrived at her parents’ home, he was charmed by the formality of their welcome – not only were her parents there, but her grandparents, a few aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews – and they had laid out quite the welcome feast. To make conversation, he chatted about his business, his divorce, and his growing love of Thailand and its culture. He spoke about his search for a life partner, and how he had been dating several women and that he thought he might have found someone special –in Atlanta – that he would bring with him on his next trip to Thailand and that he was sure she would enjoy it as much as he did! He told them what a good friend Jen had been to him, how much he enjoyed her company and what a help it would be if she could accompany him up north. He didn’t notice how cold and quiet the room got, how shocked Jen was, or how angry her father looked. When he noticed how quiet she was in the car on the way back to her home, and asked what was wrong, he knew something terrible had happened – but he didn’t know what. He didn’t realize the huge misunderstanding and loss of face he had created for Jen or her family by just being himself.
Meet Jen…
A dedicated executive secretary in her mid-30s, Jen wasn’t interested in marrying any of the Thai men she had dated. One relationship that looked promising had ended badly when she found he was seeing other women on the side and unwilling to give them up to marry her.
In her work, she met many businessmen from other countries, finding them exotic, handsome, and intriguing. When she met Mark, she found his easygoing personality fun, his accent amusing, and his love of Thailand charming. She hesitated at first when he invited her to lunch, worrying what her friends would think of her for going out in public with a “farang” – but he was so kind and gracious, she didn’t see the harm in it. That first lunch turned into a few more dates during his short visit. The more she saw him, the more she began to hope he was as attracted to her as she was to him. She enjoyed his company, and delighted in showing him around Bangkok and telling him stories about her culture. She gave him her email address when he asked, and promised to write to him when he returned home to Atlanta. As their correspondence continued and turned into online chats and the occasional phone call, she knew he was serious about her. When he called and asked her to come away with him to Chang Mai, she knew it was time to tell her parents about the relationship and get their blessing. After all, he wouldn’t ask her to come with him if he wasn’t serious about her. Her parents and grandparents planned a meal to honor him and welcome the relationship –her mother had even begun planning for the wedding, bragging to the neighbors about how lucky Jen was to have found a handsome, rich, kind farang to take care of herand the family.
When Jen introduced Mark to her parents, she was excited to have all her relatives and important neighbors there. As Mark chatted about his business, everyone nodded pleasantly. But when he started talking about his divorce, his dating other women, and his having found someone in Atlanta, Jen felt the world crack beneath her. She was humiliated. She was sorry for the anger, disappointment, and embarrassment her parents must be feeling. She was so shocked she didn’t even hear Mark say how much he appreciated her friendship and her help.
She was so shocked, embarrassed, and humiliated that she could not speak when Mark drove her home. Jen didn’t realize her part in the huge misunderstanding that had led to such a loss of face.
From Jen’s point of view, the relationship between her and Mark was obvious. After all, his actions spoke louder to her than his words. He maintained contact with her; he asked her to spend days away from home with him; and when he agreed to come ask for her family’s permission to go away with him, it was obvious to her that his intentions were for a long-term serious relationship. She was just being herself – who she was raised to be in her “high context” culture – when she read Marks’s intentions.
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