Here’s How Your Western Value “Control” Differs from Thai Value: “Tolerance”
When you’re in Bangkok – or anywhere else in Thailand for that matter – you’ll notice little shrines to the Buddha on virtually every street corner. You’ll see Thai people almost unconsciously making a “wai” every time they pass one. That’s a way to practice “right mindfulness” to stay focused on the Buddhist idea of eliminating desire.
1. You might also notice little “houses” that look almost like mailboxes or birdhouses in everyone’s garden or terrace. Those little houses are for the spirits – the gods, demigods, and ghosts that to Thai people are very real and very present. And beyond the spirit houses, Thai people are very precise about what can or cannot be planted in the garden or on the terrace, as certain plants attract more unpleasant spirits or unhappy ghosts than others. It’s a way for them to practice “right action.”
2. Your Thai lady will want to make sure there is a place in her home to honor the spirits of her deceased family members – who are real and present to her. She might erect a little shrine in the corner and furnish it with a statue of the Buddha, photos of the relatives in question, and incense, flowers, or food offerings. Whatever you do, don’t touch the shrine or move things around! You might think it’s “just superstition” – but to her, the shrine is an important way to stay connected to her family and express her respect, and it has been precisely arranged, prayed over, and “cleansed.”
3. You might also find her attitude about misfortune a little “strange” – perhaps she is too casual about not wearing a seat belt in the car, or too “laid back” in her reaction to a fender-bender. Maybe she laughs when you hit your thumb with a hammer or trip on the stairs.
Remember, when bad things happen to her – or to you –it’s all “Karma,” the natural balancing result of some previous action.
4. You, as a foreigner (or farang) might misunderstand and misapply mai pen rai. If you knock over her shrine, touch a spirit house, step over someone’s food at a picnic, pat someone on the head, point your feet at someone, or sit on a Buddha statue, mai pen rai is an inappropriate reaction on your part! There are many cultural and behavioral “taboos” – and all of them are designed to keep things in balance, to keep good things happening and to prevent bad things from happening.
What to do when “Control” and “Tolerance” Collide
As soon as you understand that each of you looks at and deals differently with life’s uncertainty, you’ll be able to talk – and maybe even laugh – about the way you were each trained to cope with feeling “out of control.” It’s not personal. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s cultural programming. As you get to know your Thai lady, ask her to explain the rituals that mean so much to her. Ask her about the cultural “taboos” that help the Thai people deal with uncertainty and balance their karma. Take time to explain to her, patiently, gently, calmly why it’s important to you that “rules” be followed and “order” be observed. If you’re spending any time in Thailand, you’ll be presented many opportunities every single day that will try your patience and challenge your inner programming for control. With your Thai lady, and the other Thai people you meet, keep in mind that expressing frustration, annoyance, or outrage at the way things work (or don’t work) will not make them work any better or faster. It might well be that learning to adopt a little “tolerance” will be as good for your health and well-being as her learning to adopt a little more “control!” If you’re open, curious, and willing to understand, you’ll find that your different approaches to uncertainty can also be a source of delight and fun, rather than a source of conflict.
| In a “Control” Culture Like Yours… | In a “Tolerance” Culture Like Hers… |
| You feel the uncertainty of life as a continuous “threat” that you must fight | She feels that uncertainty is a normal fact of life and accepts each day is as it comes |
| Your culture is more “high stress” and most people have underlying feelings of anxiety | Her culture is more “low stress” and most people have underlying feelings of well-being |
| You are free in your culture to express aggression and “vent” your emotions at proper times and places | People in her culture are not free to express aggression or “vent” their emotions – especially in public |
| You can freely accept familiar risks, but might fear ambiguous situations or unfamiliar risks | She is comfortable in ambiguous situations and with unfamiliar risks |
| Your culture sees the “different” as “dangerous” | Her culture sees the “different” as “curious” |
| Your culture stresses the need for rules, even if they will never work | Her culture stresses that there should not be more rules than strictly necessary |
| Your culture gives you the emotional need to be busy and the inner urge to work hard | Her culture gives her the emotional acceptance of time as a framework for orientation |
| Precision and punctuality come naturally to you | Precision and punctuality have to be learned by people in her culture |
| Your culture tends to suppress “deviant” ideas and behavior and resist innovation | Her culture tends to tolerate “deviant” and innovative ideas and behavior |
| Your culture presents many and precise laws and rules that everybody should obey and whose consequences apply equally to everyone | Her culture presents few and general laws and rules whose consequences are adjusted according to the rule breaker’s position or relationships |
| If rules cannot be respected, we are sinners and should repent | If rules cannot be respected, they should be changed |
| Conservatism, extremism, law and order are valued in your culture | Tolerance, moderation, and acceptance are valued in her culture |
| Nationalism, xenophobia, repression of minorities is more common in your culture | Regionalism, internationalism, attempts at integration of minorities is more common in her culture |
| Your culture believes in experts and specialists | Her culture believes in generalists and common sense |
| The idea that “there is only one Truth and we have it” is more common in your culture | The idea that “one group’s truth should not be imposed on others” is more common in her culture |
| Good outcomes are based on hard work and following the rules; bad outcomes are based on failure to work hard and not following the rules | Good and bad outcomes are based on “luck” or karma, and nothing we do can control what happens to us |
In your modern Western culture, you have a much lower tolerance for uncertainty than we Thais have. You seem to think that uncertainty in life is a constant threat that you must be protected from – and feel anxious or stressed when you’re faced with new circumstances or unfamiliar situations. After all, what is new or different might actually be dangerous!
Most Western cultures have created laws, regulations, or technology to help get a handle on the anxiety or stress they feel about uncertainty. And the culture develops rigid rules of behavior that everyone follows so nobody is uncomfortable.
And in most Western countries, it’s perfectly acceptable to become emotional, assertive, or even aggressive when your expectations about certainty are not met. If you’re standing in a queue at the bank and someone cuts in front of you, it’s perfectly appropriate to express your outrage that they didn’t “follow the rules” and the people around you will probably agree. If you’re in the checkout line at the grocery store that says “10 items or less” and the guy in front of you has 18 items, you have every right to get annoyed and express that annoyance, even if it’s just to mutter under your breath. Everybody around you agrees anyway, and shares your annoyance at the ill-mannered jerk that breaks “the rules.”
Westerners tend to ease (or maybe even add to!) the stress of life’s uncertainty with an inner drive to keep busy, to work hard, to build up a stockpile of money and possessions that you think will protect you from an uncertain future. It is normal, natural, and “right” to be precise and punctual – after all, that protects you and those around you from ambiguity and lets them know you can be depended on NOT to add to their uncertainty.
Chances are that in your culture, everyone values “law and order” and looks to institutions of government (local, regional, and state) for even-handed justice applied to everybody equally. Lawbreakers – criminals – are vilified as sinful and bad and should be punished until they repent their evil ways.
Your culture puts its faith in experts and specialists who have “the Truth” and your home country may think of itself as the “greatest nation on earth.” That exceptionalism makes you proud and allows you to be secure in knowing you are smarter, better, more capable than others.
You know in your heart that if you work hard and follow the rules you can prevent bad things from happening and achieve safety and security for yourself and your loved ones. After all, that’s how life is supposed to work, right?
The Thai Value: Tolerance or “Mai Pen Rai”
The point of view about uncertainty in Thailand can be summed up in three words: mai pen rai, which can be translated loosely as “never mind,” or “no big deal,” or “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Crash the car? Mai pen rai. Termites are invading the garage and threatening to eat it whole? Mai pen rai. And mai pen rai is a reflection of Thailand’s Buddhist roots. Your culture tries to control uncertainty with laws, regulations and technology – we Thais deal with the stress or anxiety about uncertainty using religion – in this case, Theravada Buddhism, practiced by over 95% of the country.
Now I don’t want this article to be a full course on Buddhism, but understanding the basics might just help you understand some of the “odd” things you’ll see all around you in Thailand – in shops, on street corners, and even in your Thai lady friend’s home. If you can recognize that it’s all about how we deal with uncertainty, perhaps things won’t seem so strange to you.
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