A Typical Story Between Cultures – “Me” vs. “We”
Meet Greg, the Typical “All-American Guy
Greg’s father was a small-town policeman; his mother was a high school teacher. Although they didn’t make a lot of money, his parents worked hard to make sure their kids had what they needed to “make it” in life. And they taught him that to “make it,” Greg had to rely on himself and his own skills, talents, and efforts — that way, he wouldn’t owe anybody a thing.
Greg grew up on Little League baseball, high school football, and yearly entries into his school’s science fair. He played hard, worked hard, and studied hard. When it came time for him to go off to college, his parents couldn’t have been prouder – he earned a scholarship to help pay tuition at his local State university, where he majored in Engineering and graduated with honors, while working part-time to pay for extras like car maintenance and weekend entertainment.
When he graduated, Greg took a job at a construction company for a couple of years to earn enough money to pursue his Master’s Degree in Engineering, and saved every penny, putting off such luxuries as a new car, a better apartment, or fancy vacations until he earned his degree.
Armed with a great education and a strong work ethic, he launched his career as a Civil Engineer, working all over the country on important projects like building bridges, freeways, and tunnels. He spent weeks on the road every month, and months on the road every year, building a name and a reputation for himself and earning an income his parents could never have imagined for themselves.
He designed and built himself a custom home overlooking the ocean; bought himself a big luxury car and a sailboat; and has 50-yard-line season tickets to his city’s pro-football games.
His is a typical story of “the American Dream” – he “made it” on his own, with no help from anybody. He raised himself up “by his own bootstraps” from humble beginnings to worldly success – and he’s enjoying the fruits of his own labor.
When his parents talk about him, they are proud – they got their job done. They raised him to take care of himself, and he’s a big success. Even though it seems like they never see him anymore, they know he’s fine. And that makes them happy and gives them peace.
Greg’s dad recently had to take an early retirement due to a work injury, and the last thing he would want is to worry Greg. Although it’s getting harder for him to get around, Greg’s dad doesn’t even tell him about it. After all, Greg’s got his own life and he’s entitled to live it without worrying about his parents. They’ve got some money put by – they’ll (probably) be okay. And besides, what parents in their right mind would even think to ask their full-grown son for help?
Now Meet Mali, a Typical Thai Lady
Mali’s father was a policeman in a small Thai city, and her mother was a teacher at the local high school. Although they didn’t make a lot of money, they did everything they could to make sure their own parents enjoyed a good life in their later years, even moving them into their home when they became too old and fragile to live independently.
And Mali’s parents gave their children what they needed to “make it” in life. They taught her that to “make it,” Mali had to rely on help from everyone in her family, and repay them without question for the sacrifices they made on her behalf. She grew up in a house full of people, including not only her parents and her brothers and sisters, but her aging grandparents, an aunt and uncle, and several cousins.
Mali grew up studying hard and working hard – not for herself or to pursue her own interests, but to gain a better ability to help her parents. When it became obvious that she was intelligent and studious enough to attend University, her family, including her parents, her grandparents, her older brothers, her aunts and her uncles all contributed the money for tuition and books. After all, their investment in Mali was an investment in their own futures.
When she graduated University, Mali took a job at an international firm in Bangkok, where she earned a good income – enough to rent a small apartment she shared with her sister. She had enough money left over to repay her parents a little bit each month and send gifts to her grandparents, aunts and uncles. She saved what she could against the time she would be asked to help pay for her younger brother’s education.
Hers is a “typical” story. She “made it” by the grace of her family, who sacrificed for her to create a better life. She’s grateful, knowing she could never have succeeded on her own without their help. And she’s happy to share what she has earned with her family and contribute to their success and reputation.
When her parents talk about her, they are proud – they got their job done. They have raised a dutiful, helpful, grateful daughter, and that means they’ve been a great success. Her degree has earned them status in their community and respect from their neighbors. They see Mali every weekend, look forward to the gifts she brings, and brag about her prosperity to their neighbors. That makes them happy, and gives them peace.
Mali’s dad was recently injured, and had to retire early from the police force. He lets Mali know right away, knowing she will do whatever she needs to do to be a good daughter and take care of her mother should anything happen to him. They are proud they can go to her for financial help. After all, what parents in their right mind would even think NOT to ask their grown daughter for help?
The Cultural Divide: “Me” vs. “We”
There’s a cultural “value” at work here – and that value is the tension between “individualism” on one side and “collectivism” on the other – in other words, the pull between “Me” vs. “We.” All cultures have a preference for one or the other.
In cultures where the focus is on “me,” those cultures that are more “individualistic,” the bonds between individuals are loose. Everybody is expected to look after themselves, to take care of their own needs, and look after their own immediate families. Working together in a group might be important, but everybody has the right to his own opinion and his own self- expression.
On the other side, where cultures focus more on “we,” from the time people are born they are bonded tightly to a group, usually extending beyond the immediate family to include grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The group protects the individuals in it, in exchange for unquestioning loyalty.
In other words, most Western cultures believe that individual success is the basis for a strong, stable society – the Thai culture believes that family (or group) success is at the heart of a strong, stable society.
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